Her chest was tight, often—almost always. Her mind was full; the words wouldn’t come. She was mad. Was she angry? She was full of rage.
She was tired, exhausted, barely alive. She walked around half-dead, looking out of dark, sunken eyes, feeling like she was on fire, burning fumes of the fuel that once nourished her. She dragged herself from workday to workday, holding up the walls of her home and life as they sagged under the weight of neglect.
She wondered if she would live much longer.
She had to close her eyes often because they hurt, yet she could never sleep. Breathing slowly, begging for rest, her body barely rallied. Yet the routines—the paces—kept her moving from one task to the next. The bills got paid, the essentials tended, just enough to keep her life a degree above zero.
This made her angry. No—this made her furious. But even fury took too much energy these days. She was so tired that she typed with her eyes closed.
She was afraid to plan joy. Vacations, road trips, escapes—none of it seemed possible. Her sleep was so bad that it could ruin everything, and she didn’t want to hold anyone back. So, she isolated again and again until no one understood her anymore. Maybe they assumed things that weren’t true. Maybe they didn’t. Either way, they stopped reaching out.
She breathed, she ate, she worked.
And yet, deep in her heart, there was still enough joy to remind her: she loved life. She knew something had to change, or she would die.
If I had understood what my body was trying to tell me.
If I had known the patterns I learned so long ago weren’t what I needed anymore—
That all of this was just a way to stay safe, even when safety was no longer the point.
If I could understand what the hell was going on, I’d try to fix it.
This is what burnout feels like for me, anyway.
It’s what led me to discover CPTSD—and to understand what might be happening with my body.
How does complex trauma live in the nervous system?
How the body protects you in ways that can also keep you stuck.
So powerful - your words and your amazing artwork.